The Perfectionism Trap: Why ‘Good Enough’ Is More Powerful Than Perfect

"Good enough"

What does that sound like to you? Foreign words? Laziness and mediocrity?

When we strive for perfection it is because we don't feel "good enough" - EVER!

Someone in our childhood made us feel this way; parents, teachers, siblings or even friends can make us feel unworthy and never quite enough. We internalise this messaging and make it a part of ourselves, of our identity - Hi my name is Trips and I am not good enough! Imagine introducing yourself like that?!! (Feels weird writing that and very uncomfortable in my body!)

You carry this label around with you and apply it to everything you are and everything you do - I am not good enough and this isn't good enough!

Feeling like being perfect is the only way to feel good enough, about yourself and in other people's eyes. If you could just be more perfect then maybe you will be good enough, maybe you will be worthy of love and acceptance. Fearing you will be rejected, abandoned and isolated from "the tribe" - which socially makes sense, we humans are after all social beings!

However, when this fear begins at a young age and you were made to feel unworthy, not good enough and abandoned it can have devastatingly detrimental effects on your life; your ego, your perception of yourself, your relationships with others, and your physical and mental health!

The impacts of this learnt behaviour are far reaching and until you begin to really unravel it and get to the root cause you won't be able to accept that good enough is enough!!

When we are working on a project if we constantly want to make everything 100% perfect we get so overwhelmed and caught up in the tiny details. What happens when we're overwhelmed? Anxiety and stress kick in, fears begin to scream out to you "this is not perfect therefore I am bad!" You push yourself harder to shut this voice out, responding with defiant determination "I'll show you!"

Then we overwork, our nervous system is so unregulated and constantly firing signals to your brain that you aren't safe. Chest pain and heart palpitations along with gastrointestinal issues prove that you aren't safe, anxiety and depression proving that you aren't perfect and that no one will love you.

Your body, the symptoms, are proving the reality you create within your mind. Your brain wants to be right so if you think I am not perfect, no one loves me, I am always sick, I never do anything right etc. this is what you will bring into your reality, these are the only things you will see, you don't see that people are not abandoning you! You can't accept that because the reality in your mind has to match up with the situations you're in, otherwise this leads to cognitive dissonance - where your reality is in direct opposition with your beliefs.

So thoughts create feelings and feelings affect behaviours - I think I am not perfect, this makes me feel unworthy, so I will behave as perfectly as possible.

BUT perfection isn't real or attainable and so we never reach perfection leading to our thoughts of I am not perfect - even though I am trying to be, so I am not trying enough, I am not good enough, I need to do more and be better. The feelings become stronger, there is fear and guilt and shame there, the anxiety becomes too much! The behaviour becomes this never-ending cycle of pushing yourself too hard and burning out, procrastinating and feeling guilty, not feeling good enough and lack of motivation.

You seem stuck!

However, if thoughts create feelings, which affect behaviours, that in turn create more thoughts - and around we go - then can we interfere and start to dismantle the beliefs by changing our behaviours? FUCK YEAH WE CAN!!!!

We can begin to identify those moments when we strive for perfection and stop ourselves, we can slowly begin to get used to it, comfortable with it even, it starts being good enough.

The more we test this and push the boundary of when something is good enough, the more we can think that good enough is acceptable and so the more we feel accepted as good enough - and worthy of love and acceptance!

This is not easy to break free from, it is uncomfortable, triggering and scary! Change is scary, our ego doesn't want us to change because it knows that how we are now is relatively safe, the unknown is scary!

Something my therapist taught me was that the ego is fear based and so we approach this with love, because in the presence of love fear cannot exist.

So, when it gets hard to test things and you feel scared and your body is uncomfortable and your mind is anxious, talk to yourself with love, talk to your ego self with compassion. "I know you're scared, your feelings are valid, we are trying something new and we will be safe. I am not going to abandon you."

I practiced this art of practicing imperfection on so many areas of my life and I still apply it now - currently on my drumming as I really struggle with continuing a performance if I make a mistake!

It works and it really helps you to see that good enough is more powerful than perfect allowing you to break free of the perfectionist trap.

If you have any questions about this, or would like some help trying this drop a comment below/contact me and I will help you through it.

You got this, you are good enough!!