Next week ... New Zealand

I am going - finally - to New Zealand for four months!!

I say finally because my best friend moved back there 9 years ago and I have been talking about going since before she left! I haven't seen her or her husband for 9 long ass years and I have never met her kiddies in person. I am so excited about seeing her I can barely contain myself!

I keep waking up with no idea what day it is, there is so much to do before I go (and people to see) that I am feeling a little bit stressed - I know I have the time and I can handle all the things I need to do but the first thing I think about in the morning is what day is it and what am I doing today?

I have known for a few months now that I would be going around March I just needed to book the tickets. I kept hearing a voice saying "everything will be different when you book the tickets" - this terrified me!! What do you mean EVERYTHING?! HOW will it be different?!

I knew deep down that "the voice" was right and I would be different, I will be different when I get back. I am flying to the other side of the world, by myself, and going to be in a whole new country for four amazing months! Of course I will be different, it would be a shame if the experience didn't change me!

And yet the fear of change was so familiar that it would have been easy to fall back into that pattern, not book the tickets, find another excuse to postpone the trip.

So I did the hard thing and booked the tickets, I leant in to the unknown and all the while trusting that this is what I am meant to do. This is my next step!

Having that faith has really helped me, over the last month. to not feel upset when seeing my friends or my sister, to be excited and curious instead of fearful and dysregulated. I feel nervous of course, it is natural, but I am not going to let it stop me!

In 2018 I went solo travelling for 10 days around Belgium and Amsterdam. That was the first time I was by myself in a different country - that was scary! I was also still chronically sick and I overdid it - big time! I planned every minute of each day I would be there and felt like a failure when I burnt out and needed to rest. I learnt a lot on that holiday - the most important being:

I can handle anything, anywhere, at any time!

So yes, New Zealand is considerably further and four months is considerably longer but I won't be alone for the whole time!

I have another friend in a different part of New Zealand who I will get to visit with too - who also has kids I have not met in person!

That is something I loved about London, I met so many people from all over the world and made incredible friends, and then they move back to their home and you lose touch and that's normal. Or you talk once in a while and nothing feels different! That is the sign of an amazing friendship and I am so excited to be with them again!

I am looking forward to being more independent again, as I have been living with my parents for 8 years now! Being too sick to continue working and living in London I had to move back home. Whilst this has had many benefits it has been very challenging too! At times I have felt stuck in the comfort zone - It is easier to stay here than it is to leave.

Ever since I was a child I wanted to travel the world and experience life in other countries; other cultures, people and food (of course!). I think it is about time that I start doing this!

It becomes easier to live out the BIG dreams of your inner child when you have built a strong foundation of self trust and love. I know I have my own back, I trust that I will be safe and that I will take care of myself. I am doing this for all past, present and future versions of me because this is a deeply embedded part of my personality.

The wanderlust and zest for life needs to shine and take centre stage!

What were your dreams as a child? How can you give that to yourself?

This is a huge part of inner child healing and reparenting work. Sometimes we don't know what our inner child wants because she doesn't feel safe enough to tell us, or maybe we haven't asked! Take the time to connect with her, tell her you love her and that she can trust you, show her she can trust you by never abandoning or neglecting her.

It might feel silly at first and it doesn't work overnight, you need to build that relationship with her, she has been through a lot and that version of you is still going through it! Even if you have dealt with and reconciled the trauma you went through as an adult, your inner child is still there! Showing her she is safe and loved will help you to build a foundation of safety and love.

My parrots feet on my shoulder no matter where I go!

It is from this foundation that you can step out of your comfort zone and experience the world, learn to play drums, get that tattoo and tell your dad you aren't asking for his permission to do so!

(Not sure why he thought I needed permission as I already have 3 other other tattoos that he is well aware of - maybe he wanted to feel in control, maybe he is seeing his "little girl" growing up and leaving him for four months!)

It is from this foundation that you learn to take up space, use your voice and live the way you want to. It is this that allows you to recognise and use your power, to love openly and to experience life freely!

This is where we begin to see how much we have healed!

Throw away the old habits of perfectionism, procrastination and people pleasing, the expectations of having anxiety and burnout and that negative internalised voice that tells you that you can't do it!

Free yourself of the limitations that have been placed upon you by family, society and fucking capitalism! You do not have to work yourself into the ground trying to be perfect, to be everything for everyone else all the time. You are not selfish if you prioritise your needs!!

So what are you dreams and how can you begin to work on fulfilling them?