How healing perfectionism changed my life!

I don’t know when I started being a perfectionist, my parents have perfectionism as does my sister so I was raised in an environment where being perfect was the ONLY THING you should be.

Also, I am a Virgo!

Neither do I remember when the pain in my body started, my mum said the first time I voiced it was when I was 3 years old. Of course the Doctors ignored it and said they were growing pains.

I remember always trying to be the best in school, from a really young age, and feeling a lot of guilt and shame if I did anything wrong. Although I was a very creative child, I focused on my studies and stopped enjoying the creative hobbies I loved. Regardless of getting really good grades I didn’t feel any pride in myself, constantly feeling I could do better and that I should be perfect, only then could I be worthy of love from others, the thought of loving myself never crossed my mind.

I went to University to study biology and reproduction, and I was diagnosed with insomnia and severe clinical depression and anxiety. With the pain worsening, yet still not believed, I began getting different treatments to manage daily life as a student.

After acquiring two degrees, I landed a fantastic job! Yet, I still wasn’t satisfied or fulfilled so I started another degree “just for fun” (that was in maths, so not really the most chill subject)!

As well as trying to have an active social life in London. Burning the candle at both ends and in the middle!

It was at this stage of my life when the pain got so bad and I finally was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and costochondritis. I was put on all sorts of medication including opiates and nerve blockers and told that I will never heal and this will only worsen over time.

That it did!

More depressed and anxious, I slept 4 hours a week, the pain was unbearable, I was unable to walk at times and eventually I was on sick leave more than I was at work.

I was just given stronger and stronger painkillers, until I was taking the full dose of tramadol EVERY DAY! 

Still I was trying so hard to be perfect at work, at my maths degree, a perfect friend/daughter/sister, a perfect human!

After a few more years of pushing myself, my symptoms flaring up, going through the procrastination-burnout cycle again and again, overworking and people pleasing, I made the difficult decision to move back home to my parent’s house and leave my job, my friends and my life.

This only worsened the chronic and mental illnesses that plagued my life.

After I finished my third degree, I started working as a tutor, but it did not make me happy. It was so stressful and I invested so much of my free time in marking past papers and trying to be the perfect tutor. This led to me losing a lot of hair, sleep and sometimes the will to go on.

I was always pushing myself so hard, to do more, learn more, be better, tidier, prettier!

I began going to art classes with my mum, realising I had a talent for drawing flowers. Although I enjoyed it, I still strived for perfection and wouldn’t accept that I needed to learn and that making mistakes helps you to learn!

I started knitting again too, when my hands didn’t hurt, but even then I would beat myself up if I dropped a stitch!

I learnt how to cook and bake at a really young age and eventually became obsessed with cooking everything from scratch, and making sure it was perfect. If someone didn’t say it was perfect the guilt and shame would come flooding back. Even a small suggestion to improve it would make me feel like I had failed, miserably!

Failure to me always meant something bad; I was not worthy and unlovable! The shame and guilt was always accompanied by anger and negative self-talk, my self esteem was so low, I had no love for myself at all and definitely projected that onto others. I felt isolated and I thought that if I could be more perfect then everything would be better.

More perfect?!

If I was already being as perfect as possible how could I have been more perfect?

This thought never crossed my mind until I started having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) specifically for perfectionism-induced depression.

During the first lockdown in 2020 I was at my worst with physical and mental illnesses, I was bed bound due to repeated bouts of sciatica. I was so depressed that I saw no way out but something in me wanted to change. I am so grateful I listened to that part of me and I started working with a therapist, which led to having coaching as well. It was at this time I began CBT and as I was working with all three of these wonderful women at once my healing really accelerated and my mindset around perfectionism, chronic and mental illnesses and self acceptance shifted in a hugely transformative way.

I became much more self aware and began to recognise the effects perfectionism had on my life and how it led to people pleasing and the cycle of procrastination and burnout. The less perfect I was trying to be the easier things became, I was less anxious and much more loving towards myself.

Within 6 months I healed the severe clinical depression and anxiety that I lived with for over 15 years.

I healed from insomnia and began to sleep more than 5 hours a night! I began to love myself, and recognised my self worth.

Which was NOT tied in with how perfect I am or how others saw me!

I learnt perfection is not real. I learnt how to set boundaries that honour my needs and that asking for help doesn’t make me a burden. I learnt how to regulate my nervous system and to express and release my emotions in a safe way (not holding them all in and manifesting symptoms!).

I finally began to feel proud of myself and allowed myself to have fun and play more. I started to be more creative and learn new skills, without feeling like I had to perfect immediately - I began learning to play the drums, which I always wanted to do but never felt "cool" enough!

I allowed myself to experiment creatively and not be so set in my ways. I allowed myself to use my things instead of trying to save them for the perfect occasion.

I made time to allow my inner child to play, be seen and very much loved!

I am now off all my medication after 10 and a half years! I no longer drink alcohol and I have been sober for over 7 months!

Healing perfectionism changed my life and I am happier and healthier than I have ever been and I can truly say that I love myself as I am.

I hope that one day you too can feel this way