Emotional Intelligence is Key to Healing Perfectionism and People Pleasing

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about managing emotions. Emotional Intelligence is key to healing perfectionism and people-pleasing. In this blog, I share the 5 elements of EQ and how they helped me reclaim my calm, boundaries, and purpose.

What is emotional intelligence (or EQ). We hear

this phrase so often but do you know what it is and how to demonstrate and embody it?

For me, emotional intelligence means noticing when I’m feeling anxious or overwhelmed instead of pushing through it. Understanding my feelings and giving myself the time I need to respond to them in a healthy way as well as allowing the same for others. It’s being honest with myself about how I feel, giving myself what I need in the moment, and learning how to speak up without guilt (and knowing it is okay if guilt shows up). It’s helped me heal perfectionism, let go of people-pleasing, and finally feel calm in my own body.

Instead of ignoring, suppressing, or being overwhelmed by your emotions, you can actually work with them and allow yourself to be truly connected to your inner world and have more control over how you show up on the outside!

As a people pleaser you probably feel a lot of guilt; anytime you say "No", when you ask for help, or even just for existing!! The problem is not the guilt itself, it is that you allow the guilt to dictate your actions, you would rather let yourself down than someone else. You don't know how to prioritise yourself (or even know that you need to!) and this leads to self abandonment and neglect.

As a perfectionist you probably feel a lot of guilt and shame! Ashamed of not meeting those ridiculously high expectations you have for yourself. Feeling guilty about not not being perfect enough! You have no idea how to accept yourself as a human - who are each uniquely flawed and naturally imperfect!

Those feelings will keep growing and affecting your mind and body until you learn how to regulate and release your emotions, finally learning how to be emotionally stable!!

So what makes someone emotionally intelligent?

Emotional intelligence is key to healing perfectionism and people pleasing and it is made up of 5 key concepts:

Self-awareness = Knowing how you feel and why.“Before I healed my relationship with myself, I couldn’t even name my feelings beyond ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I’m fine'." 

Sound familiar?

The key to self awareness is taking the time to really get to know yourself. As you would a friend but much deeper than that! You are with yourself for the rest of your life (and all your future incarnations!) so why not get to know yourself?!

Not only getting to know your likes and dislikes, but also:

• your emotions; how you feel those emotions, how they present in your body, how they affect your mentality,

• your past; what trauma have you been through, how has this shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world around you,

• your fears; how does perfectionism and people pleasing work to alleviate those fears for you (albeit temporarily),

• your purpose; what do want to do, who do you want to be and how can you live a fulfilled life.

Recognising patterns and beliefs you have that are keeping you from being your FULL self can help you to create the changes you need.

As Robin Sharma said:

 "Awareness precedes choice and choice precedes change" 

Without the conscious awareness of the limiting beliefs, traumas, emotions and all the other things keeping you small and not aligned with your potential you cannot begin to see the changes you need.

Everything in your life is a choice, even if it doesn't feel like it - for example, why do you go to work? Because you have to? Well not really, you can choose not to work or get a new job, but these come with different results that aren't preferable to you. Such as, not earning money or job hunting. You don't work because you HAVE TO, you work because you CHOOSE TO! Just like everything else in your life - you are choosing it and you can choose something different if you want.

You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to say Yes to everyone. You don't have to burn yourself out. You choose to do these things because they make you feel safe, they address the fears you have in the only way that you know how!! In order to make a different choice you need the awareness and understanding of the fears you have!

Being mindful about the choices you make help you to understand your actions, why do you do what you do, feel what you feel, and react the way you do? Recognising the emotions, beliefs and pressures that keep you stuck in the box society has put you in allows you to break free and create a life that fulfils, nourishes and sustains you!

I have talked at length about how building profound self awareness helped me to heal and make changes in the past. The awareness doesn't stop though! I strive to create a better emotional, mental and physical life for myself, and for others through my work. I still regularly see my therapist and have worked with several coaches and I implement my own teachings into my life daily!

Recently, being in New Zealand, I have felt a whole rollercoaster of emotions. These changes in my energy and mood can impact me quite a lot so I try my best to create the time to sit with myself and get really curious and inquisitive. Journaling can be really helpful, although sometimes I just have a conversation with myself. This allows me to regulate my emotions and comfort and soothe myself when necessary - this brings us to self regulation.

Self-regulation = Calming yourself without suppressing.

“I used to feel guilt and shame all the time, especially after saying 'No'. Now, I take a breath and remind myself I’m not responsible for everyone else’s reactions.”

Does guilt and shame make you spiral into depression and anxiety?

Once you have awareness of your emotions and begin to regulate, express and release them you will feel overwhelmed - it is natural to feel this way when you start making changes, even if they are for your highest good. Change is not easy, there is no overnight, quick-fix! It takes work, patience and the ability to be present!

How many times have you suppressed your feelings with alcohol, food, drugs, sex? How many times do you check out mentally so that you don't have to face your reality? How many times have you retreated back into the cocoon of your comfort zone because you cannot handle the emotions, fears and triggers that come with making change?

Self regulation is not about controlling or suppressing your emotions but about feeling and releasing them to allow you to make the difficult choices! You need to be able to work with your emotions if you want to heal from perfectionism and people pleasing. You need to be able to regulate after setting boundaries, leaving things "imperfect", choosing to rest - guilt free rest takes time!

Having a higher EQ enables you to notice when the fears show up and, instead of avoiding it, facing it head on! It provides you with the strength and determination you need to create the life you want!! One that you will not want to hide away from; where you choose to be mindful and present, and allow yourself to truly feel ALL your emotions!

In my Self Actualisation Method, this step is key — because growth doesn’t happen in comfort zones. It happens when you learn to pause, feel, and choose consciously. Abraham Maslow, the psychologist who created the Hierarchy of Needs, believed that personal growth requires us to move beyond fear and toward self-actualisation.

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”

This quote captures the essence of healing from perfectionism and people-pleasing — both are rooted in fear: of rejection, failure, not being enough etc. The focus of self actualisation and regulation is to notice when you are allowing fear to be in control and then making a different choice to honour your needs, boundaries and your truth.

Every time you pause instead of reacting, every time you choose a boundary over burnout, every time you accept imperfections - you’re choosing growth. That’s emotional intelligence in action.

Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of needs

Deciding to come to New Zealand for me was easy, I have friends here who I haven't seen in years, it is a beautiful country and I love travelling.

Booking the tickets was not so easy!!! It took me months to actually do it, I was scared - and that is okay! I needed to take that time to sit in the discomfort of the fear, I needed to be aware of what the fears were and why I felt that way in order to move forward. It wasn't as if the fear went away and then I booked the tickets - the fears were understood, accepted and regulated and then I booked the tickets.

"Do it scared!" they say and they are right!

Do it!! You will be scared but if you develop techniques for emotional regulation you can help yourself get through it!

Motivation = Internal drive, not perfectionist pressure.

“Instead of striving for perfection, I now focus on progress, and that’s where real change started.” 

What are you focused on?

What motivates you? This is an important question, you might think you know the answer i.e. money, freedom, joy etc. But what is deeper than that? What motivates you is what drives you forward towards self actualisation - your dream life! How you show up everyday makes such a difference!

I used to wake up every morning feeling drained, fed up and not grateful to be alive at all!! It didn't help that I suffered with severe insomnia and chronic pain! But what did help was creating routines that I wanted to do, not what I was told to do. Having a purpose for the routine is important i.e. creating a deep connection with myself and God, moving my body with love and creating a sense of peace and calm to carry me through the day.

When I began my healing journey I had no motivation because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't know how to improve my mind and body BUT I knew I wanted the answers to these questions! Once I got them I was very motivated, it was exciting to create a new business dedicated to helping other people to heal too, it was liberating to heal!!

But that didn't keep me motivated forever! What keeps me motivated is reminding myself of my goals, my why (see blog "Why your Why is important"), and my unwavering self belief! I love myself so much that I want the best for me, and yes sometimes that is having a pyjama and TV day!! Because rest is so damn important!

Motivation and burn out are NOT friends! You cannot continue being motivated when you are so exhausted and you don't care enough about yourself to rest. Motivation and guilt/shame are also NOT friends! Trying to force yourself to do things out of fear, guilt and shame is not sustainable — it drains your energy, erodes your self-worth, and turns every task into a punishment rather than an act of purpose or alignment.

Motivation - real motivation - comes from caring about yourself, knowing what you desire and unconditionally loving yourself! When you prioritise rest, emotional regulation and self acceptance motivation comes easily and naturally.

The focus changes from perfection to progress, from people pleasing to setting boundaries that allow you to maintain your energy, from burnout and procrastination to aligned action and loving rest!

Empathy = Understanding others without abandoning yourself.

“You don't need to take on everyone else's emotions, being emotionally intelligent enables you to determine what your emotions are and what belongs to someone else”

As an empath this is a key distinction!

Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence, however when you're an Empath you already understand people's emotions - often more than they do! You feel the emotions as if they are your own, they affect you just as much as your own emotions do. You absorb them, carry them around, and sometimes mistake them for your own.

For a long time, I didn’t realise this was happening to me. I thought I was just a good listener, and I liked being the person people could rely on and confide in. However, as an empath it is really only the negative emotions we attune to - that is because it is a safety mechanism we developed to allow ourselves to create stability in an unstable environment.

Empaths are naturally people pleasers as we want to alleviate their pain and the threat that could come along with it. I strived even harder for perfection as I took the emotions of others personally I’d internalize them and try to fix it! I burnt myself out trying to be and do everything for everyone else! I’d walk away from conversations feeling heavy, anxious, or responsible — even when nothing was technically my problem.

Does this sound familiar?

I was so overwhelmed and dysregulated, until I learnt how to determine what my feelings are and what belongs to someone else - I am still actively working on this one! Especially when it comes to loved ones, the closer I am to someone the more responsible I would feel for their happiness.

That is why developing a strong, meaningful connection with myself was fundamental to my healing - the more I loved myself the more I realised I was responsible for my happiness and health. No one else is responsible for me and I am not responsible for anyone else.

No this is not selfish! This is the reality of being an adult, a fully functional, healthy adult! It is more selfish to remain unhealed and expect others to be responsible for not triggering you!!

Instead of carrying other people's emotions for them you can:

• Recognise what they’re feeling, and be available for support if you have the capacity for it

• Holding space with compassion and understanding whilst maintaining boundaries to protect yourself

• Responding gently and providing support — but not abandoning yourself in the process.

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It’s the difference between saying:

“I feel your pain, so I’ll carry it for you,” and

“I feel your pain, and I trust you to move through it — I’m here beside you.”

Now, as a coach and an empath, I still feel deeply — but I don’t absorb other people's emotions. I can support clients, friends, and loved ones without losing myself. I have practices in place that help me to separate their emotions from mine, releasing what isn't mine so I can be that stable, safe space that they need! That’s what emotional intelligence makes possible.

Empathy becomes a strength when it includes you, too.

Social skills = Honest, kind communication. “Learning how to say ‘I need a break’ without apology changed how I show up in every relationship.” 

Can you do this without guilt?

Social skills are important through every phase in your life - even if you're introverted! Being able to communicate honestly and openly without guilt, shame or judgement is necessary when building a better relationship with yourself and your community.

Learn to set boundaries, give yourself the space and time that you need for self regulation and healing, and let go of the limitations of perfectionism.

Since being in New Zealand I have been more comfortable setting boundaries and accepting other people's boundaries! The aim of boundaries is not to break down relationships but make them stronger by ensuring both people feel safe and loved! Being so far away from my mum has given us both the clarity needed to prevent an argument, because neither of us want that!

Perfectionism, people pleasing, procrastination and burnout are all coping mechanism developed in a system that prioritises capitalistic needs not individual needs! The very system that tells you to work hard, get a job, have a family - be a "good girl" - is the same system that is making you unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled! Rewarding productivity and obedience over presence, authenticity and balance!

This does not just affect you BUT you are responsible for changing your actions and reactions! You can make a change in your life, and perhaps inspire others to make changes in theirs! You can live a better more fulfilled life and develop relationships that foster open communication, that are healing and nurturing!

You can set boundaries without being the villain!

Developing a strong foundation allows you to feel safe when your making changes, setting boundaries and breaking down the patriarchy!!

Go get it Girl!!!!!

If this resonated and you're ready to deepen your emotional intelligence, let’s connect. My coaching helps people-pleasers and perfectionists like you feel safe in their bodies, speak their truth, and live aligned with their needs. Reach out - I would love to hear from you.