0 - 100

Back in 2020 I started having CBT specifically for perfection related depression. This is what the therapist said I had and I thought she was nuts! What even is that and how can being a perfectionist be so bad that it is causing such deep depression in me for over 15 years?!!

Turns out she was right!

Perfectionism was making me feel worthless and shit ALL OF THE TIME! There would be fleeting moments of pride sure. If something was done 100% perfectly - which would never last AND other things would spring to mind that weren't perfect and I would feel shit all over again!

I never felt good enough, I tried to study more, buy more things, have more friends, be the perfect person for everyone else. Nothing filled the void!

That void, that endless pit of darkness, was swallowing me up and I had no idea how to climb out. I didn't reach out to my friends, because I didn't want to burden them. I spent so much time people pleasing and being all they needed and never gave them the chance to be there for me. I just suffered, alone, and I thought I deserved it.

I was in such a dark place for so long and no one knew because I got so good at painting on a happy face. I am a very giggly person too and when I would spend time with others I would mask my true feelings to make them comfortable. It was always about how I can fit myself into their lives and fulfil their needs because I didn't want to be rejected by them.

After being diagnosed with fibromyalgia (and so many other symptoms) I became more depressed and was not able to hide it well. I tried to but it became too difficult, I kept myself small for so long that my body screamed out to take up space! People pleasing, perfectionism, burn out and anxiety - on top of the depression - all built up in my body and she said " no more!".

So, back to getting CBT! By this point I had moved back in with my parents, working as a science and maths tutor (which I did not enjoy!) and trying desperately to find a way to get better. I had started counselling and coaching by the time the CBT started. I had to wait over a year between initial consultation and the treatment starting due to Covid but to be honest I think that was for the best; working with all three wonderful women at the same time I felt safe and held in my healing journey.

I learnt so many things during this time, about myself, about perfectionism and about how to start shifting my mindset away from perfection and towards living my life and loving myself!

One of the most revelatory things was that as a perfectionist I worked either 0% of the time or 100% of the time - my first response was "yeah, what else are you supposed to do?"

So used to living within this procrastination-burnout cycle that I didn't know there was another way.

She used the analogy of a ladder - mine only having the bottom and the top rungs. How can I get to the top? Take a huge leap and hope I don't miss and fall flat on my face (AKA Fail!). No wonder I was anxious, chronically stressed and depressed and fatigued all the time!

So we worked on changing my mindset around using the other rungs on the ladder - I imagined that as I was creating these new neural pathways I was making and building the ladder. Each time I practiced imperfection (or just being human!) I was adding to each rung; creating stronger neural pathways. Until 95% became acceptable, then 90%, then 70% then even 30%! Until I have 100 rungs on my ladder!!!!

How did this help me?

Well, I was able to "just start" something, because I knew that I wasn't aiming for 100% complete and 100% perfect. That "1% better each day" became much easier to picture and therefore put into practice. For so long I couldn't imagine anything less than perfect and that is what overwhelmed me.

What does your ladder look like? Can you imagine working towards something without aiming for 100%? Is this keeping you frozen in procrastination? When you are getting burnout are you asking for help or putting on a happy face for others?

You can be procrastinating for several reasons: not knowing where to start, recovering from burnout, thinking that if you don't start it you won't fail, or you have made a mistake so you walk away feeling terrible about yourself. You are literally frozen in fear! So you avoid for as long as possible.

BUT

The deadline is coming up! So what do you do now? Not ask for help, not take small steps towards your goal, or manage your time! You do 100%!! You underestimate how much there is to do and you overwork yet there is no room for errors. You pretend that you are fine because you fear people seeing you as anything other than perfect!

Then you burnout, need rest, develop chronic fatigue, chronic pain, digestive issues, thyroid/throat issues, chest pains etc. Then you procrastinate - you call it resting but you don't know how to really rest without feeling guilty and ashamed for needing rest. You tell yourself you're lazy and worthless!

Repeating this pattern over and over because you are stuck in the Procrastination-Burnout Cycle with no idea how to free yourself!

At no point in this cycle have you stopped to show yourself love or kindness. You haven't acknowledged what your body, mind or soul is going through here. You haven't acknowledged that the way you speak to yourself is so unkind and hurtful because that is all you have ever known.

Aren't you tired of this cycle? Aren't you exhausted from trying to be perfect? Would you like to know how to change?

Coming soon - I will be running a FREE workshop on the procrastination-burnout cycle to help you to understand the cycle and how you can overcome it at any stage, therefore breaking the Procrastination-burnout cycle to give between 0 - 100%.